BE STRONG AND KEEP SMILING!

Where do I even begin? This is a post I never thought I would ever be writing and a year that I have endured more than I ever thought possible. But here I am trying to put the pieces of my life back together with my new realization that I am getting a divorce and will be a single mom now. Married in the temple to a returned missionary with two amazing kids and we just bought a house. I thought my life was finally back on track after 4 years of lies, heartache, dishonestly and betrayal. But when I found out the intimate details about the double life my husband of 12 years has been living, I finally felt some validation because I knew I wasn’t crazy and my gut feeling had been right for 4 years. Single mom now, I got this, be strong and keep smiling!

Living a double life for 4 years is beyond insane and the more I found out the more I began to see that I don’t even know who Chad is anymore. I first found out about Chad's affairs and girlfriend April, 4 years ago, she worked with him and knew we were married and had kids. After I found out, I thought Chad had just made some mistakes and loved me and our family. We went to 3 bishops, couples counseling, individually counseling, talked with both of our families and went to therapy throughout the past 4 years. But Chad never ended the relationship with his girlfriend April but instead he just did a better job at hiding it. Going by a different name with her, he had another phone and several bank accounts which I had no idea about. It has been a rough and hard 4 years for me and while Chad and I were trying to work things out, I wrote this letter to myself 3 years ago:

I feel like I have lost control of my life. I feel like a failure, who gets married in the temple for eternity to file for divorce? I have lost my best friend somewhere along the way. I don’t want to be “that girl” but “that girl” is my new reality! I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to have this sick feeling in my stomach everyday anymore. I am tired of this nightmare, that I feel like I can’t wake up from. My heart aches because my sweetheart doesn’t care that our marriage is being destroyed by the things he is doing. I feel like I have lost my dream with the person I love, maybe that’s just it maybe it is just my dream now and I need to find someone else to share it with. My heart aches for my kids and I feel like I have let them both down. I just want to take control and fix everything but it’s not in my control anymore. I feel like it would be easier if he was dead than to go through this with him. I want to love him the way I used to love him but you can’t love someone who is not in love with you anymore! Someone that loves you cares enough to fix the mistakes they have made to make it right. It hurts so much to realize that your spouse isn’t the same person you married. But the person he has turned into is not what I signed up for! I just want the pain to go away, will this hurt ever go away? Will I regret not trying harder? But I don’t know how to try harder anymore. 

After reading that letter now I can say with 100% certainty is that I have tried and done everything I can to help Chad and keep our family together. But you can't help someone who doesn't want help or the same things in life. However, I know that I can look at both the kids one day with my head held high because I did everything in my power and tried for 4 years to keep our family together. I also believe with all of my heart that my brother is helping me from the other side. He can now see what Chad is doing and I have felt him helping me in so many ways, I now know why I lost Chaddy first. I know that going through this trial with Chad has changed me and my testimony about going to the temple. I now go to the temple every week and every time I don't have the kids. The peace I feel there is what I need right now and I have had several prayers answered sitting in the celestial room by myself. I have fasted and prayed so many times and the peace and comfort I felt when I took this issue with Chad to the Lord was one of the strongest answers I have ever had in my entire life. Heavenly Father knows my pain and has given me the peace and strength to know it is time to walk away. This isn't what I wanted for the kids but I know they are going to be just fine. Actually, I know they will be better because this is what is best for them as well. Paislee even told me that something was different about me. She said mom you seem happier and not as stressed out all the time, I like how different you are now. She is right because I am different; the sick feeling in my stomach for the past 4 years that something was still going on with Chad and April is gone because I was right. My hair isn't falling out by the handfuls anymore and I don't have to take several pills for anxiety and depression anymore. My non-stop headache is finally gone. The obsessive cleaning and perfectionist is gone because I finally realized that those were things in my life I could control in a very unhealthy marriage I was trying to hold together that I couldn't. I am a completely different person and even though I am absolutely heartbroken, I like the person I am because I finally feel like me again! Losing Chad has been hard but seeing who Chad has become has been harder, he isn't the man I married. I am now seeing that Chad isn't making mistakes but is making choices and he doesn't love me or care about who he hurts in the process of his choices and free agency. I don't understand this right now but I do know and believe that this is all part of my plan. One day I will look back and it will all be worth it. Probably not today or tomorrow but eventually my heart will heal and I will be okay. And one day when my heart is finally healed, I will understand my plan and the amazing man who I wrote this letter for will hug me so tight that all my broken pieces will fit back together.

How do you start this love letter when your heart is broken into pieces that you are not sure it will ever heal? But if you are reading this letter then my heart has finally healed and I have moved on. I want you to know that you must be an incredible person because typing this letter up tonight my pain feels like it will never go away. If you’re reading this letter you know how important the Gospel is to me. I also know if you’re reading this letter it is that important to you as well and just the thought of that makes me smile through the tears. I know because you are reading this that I will never have to beg or want you to go to church or honor your Priesthood. If you are reading this letter I know those things are as important to you as they are to me. If you are reading this letter I know we will help each other stay strong and close to the Gospel so we are can be an eternal family. If you reading this letter you are a man of your word and you are a man of integrity. You know that honesty is very important to me and I know you love me enough to never lie to me about anything. If you are reading this letter you know how my heart was crushed by the man I first loved with all of my heart. But since you are reading this letter you have found a way to help me leave the past in the past and heal my broken heart, which right now seems impossible! If you are reading this letter I know you love my kids like your own and that means the world to me. I don’t know if you have kids and if we are trying to blend a family or deciding to have any of our own but whatever the outcome I will gladly welcome because I know I love you with all of my heart. If you are reading this I know we will have our ups and downs but I know we love each other so much that we will get through things together like husband and wives are supposed to do. If you are reading this I know and understand my plan now and I know every fear, doubt, pain, heartache, tear and sleepless night were worth it to get to you! I love you so much and I can’t wait to tell you that one day.